finding it

there's a certain sense of pride

sitting below the flag

as it floats in the wind

there's a certain feeling of accomplishment

overlooking the city i was raised in

watching the cars roll down the highway

i'll take when i leave

it may be disbelief

or just amazement

to answer the question for myself

my next steps take me somewhere

there's a certain look in my eyes

when i catch my reflection in the window

there's a certain image

sketched in my mind

that leads me to believe

someday i'll make it

growing old (like john)

i can't say what it is like

to be another human being

captured in unique thought

i could never attempt to think the

way you do

or imagine what it's been like

to hear what you have

see through your eyes

or live your life

we shared a love

i strolled the museum floors

wondering how you might view

a piece of impressionism

i wondered if the writer

across from me shared any of the same words

i questioned if the philosopher

perched in his armchair

ever debated a similar thought

how did you react when they questioned

your way of life

the way you viewed the world

there must have been

a new dance formed

from the words you used

to tell the world what it was

like to be you

let's take a walk

sit for dinner and just

share a conversation

true with you

evolving in the teachings of the world

changing the way i think and look

question

wasn't there a time we all felt unbeatable

until we felt lost for the first time

and i realized i wasn't perfect

how about you

i wanted to know how i was going

to train my eyes to see

and what was out there for me to watch

i would believe

i am correct in saying

that things are about to change

and i wonder the approach to take

proactively seeking someway to grow

instead of reacting and falling behind

thought

is it possible to define happiness for myself

with so many other explanations around

and i found there are simple ways

in which they world revolves

that bring coincidences to life

and i wonder the meaning of these things

i watch others call it fate and allow everything

to be out of their hands

i see i am different

how about you

and i wondered how i was going

to train my mouth to speak

and who was out there that would listen

could it be true that with you

i am growing

in unexpected common hours

unfortunately i feel that memories will fade

and it's strange

to know my mission is not defined by living

although my past will slowly fade to new memories

there is a power within

to find my wishes

and true i may have to work

but the dismay will not be conjured

by thoughts and goodbyes

since farewells become necessary to meet again

certain for friends

that we'll greet it with a smile and a hug

it will be somewhere on our journey

that news will make us pause

yet there's knowledge that something better waits

in unexpected common hours

i've run into friends

don't think of this as us never being

given the chance to succeed

since our success is defined by patience

and illusion without the negative connotation

we've learned to be ourselves

and don't be afraid to sit and contemplate for a while

time becomes a thief

when we allow someone else's story to control us

but somehow along the way and down the road

we've come to realize we're writers and philosophers

psychiatrists in the psychology of being you and me

unfortunately memories of playing with friends will fade

and it's strange

to know that although they may we did smile while we played

a daughter's laugh

a sarcastic remark brought about

a laugh

and our child laughed out loud

not that she got it

but we all laughed along

we find ourselves

so caught up in politics and investments

that i've failed to see

the payoff in investing in my child

can you see how beautiful she is

she has the prettiest eyes

(like her mother's)

and for so long i've failed to see it

i'm sorry

you'll have to excuse me

but my wife and child are calling

and for once

starting now

and promising not to forget

from here on out

it's our time

my time

to watch my child grow

to see how beautiful my wife is

and cherish the fact

that i am lucky enough

to have both in my life

rejection

it was an art

dancing around the truth

like that

so

not accepted

by terms of expressing a lot of what

but not the how

my fault

for not listening

not being flexible

and certainly not being able to influence

questioning success

what defines success

what i've done or the way you look at me

is it the road i've taken

or just what i did along the way

it seems i've taken many steps

along the way

so is it that number

my ability to keep going

or the stamina it took to make it this far

what defines success

i ask

is it what i say or you

is it the ability to dream

and chase those dreams

be at the right place at the right time

or just follow directions

what defines success

won't ever be answered

by you or me

it will happen without question

maybe may be

maybe may be the right way to think

that defining happiness rests

in the natural ability to smile

speaking without the words

that silence knows just the right way

to trace the silhouette

soft in the way light speaks

from the candle light melting in surroundings

picturesque

when possibility spoke of the way

that living could not be imagined

in trust

here's the ear the hand the hug

the words without speaking

that know that defining it the way

it is in living might never do it justice

the shadow is real

and maybe may be the right way

the definition of what that means

in the world

let's all laugh at the ridiculous nature

of how you though you knew better than i

finding that inside your fear

lies the ability to conquer the world

and somehow you're running scared

hiding behind the tears

you've allowed yourself to cry

and complaining about how the world

is treating you

did you realize there are billions

of humans

in the world today

some the chosen smiling

some the frightened shivering

and you have the right to complain

about how the world is treating you

wake up and realize you're not

the only one

in the world today

the news told me someone died today

tragic

that you're still complaining

living as i  recall

you seem to blind yourself with fear

fear that you might actually

do something with your life

and maybe share that with

the world today

since some day we might be able

to share a laugh

together in our world

serendipity

ever notice that interdependency goes hand in hand with individuality
when the true wonder of the world was available anywhere anytime
i found something yesterday
in the ordinary course of things
the word amazing took on a new meaning
you gave me a gift i never expected
when you held my hand in the rain
we sat talking for hours and others called it fate
but i would have looked for that
did you ever realize where we came from
where we are going
others questioned the intimacy of interconnectedness
interdependency with the confidence my heart beats
alone seeking the spirituality that we shared
and you defined grace with your actions
it all made sense when i stopped to look
have you ever noticed how beautiful you are
ever realize that the predictable nature of natural law
failed when evolution shed light on the future
i would have never seen that coming
but you gave me a hug on the most tranquil day
we sat just looking at each other and others called it sophistication
but i would have looked for that
have you ever realized the value of something
others questioned the intimacy of interconnectedness
spirituality with the romance our hearts seek
and you defined love with your smile
it all made sense when i took a moment to say world hello
have you ever noticed you shine in whatever you put on
ever believe that opportunity lie in the midst of living
when in the ordinary course of things joyful humility reigned
i found myself
i found you
the word friendship took on a new meaning
you gave me the chance i wasn't searching for
when you said hello on an ordinary day
we hugged and others defined it as perfection
but i would have looked for that
did you ever realize who we are
what we are becoming
others questioned the intimacy of interconnectedness
recognition of the compatibility our lives share
and you defined serenity with the way you spoke
it all came together when i opened my eyes
have you ever noticed you are what dreams are made of

walking alone

it once fell with disappointment

under the watchful eye of thinking the world revolved

around this solitary event

it later presented itself as opportunity

void of what i once thought so

i sought the fortune of power and fame

blind in my own way that

nature's definition had ignored the truth

in the reality of the situation

i see said the blind man

how could i have been so blind

i still fall when experience

disrupts the path through mountain tops

i still crawl when egos stop to say hello

i still wonder how one day of being alone

has provided a sense of power

somewhere in between

where i want to be
may be defined
by a conveniently placed word or phrase
a friendship that the movement from
yes to no has represented
finding my way
may be conveyed
in the true definition of nothing
seeing something does exist and
transcending my thoughts of boy and girl
to a relationship bonded in the slightest notion
that love may exist between a friend and the future
this cannot be happening
since being real was just a dream
over my head and under my feet
when i thought it would happen
may be found
in the mistakenly forgotten sound or whisper
a brotherhood that the movement from
something to nothing has created
thinking my way
may have conveyed
that the transcendence to everything
was something written in the spaces
somewhere in between the world and dreams
reminded that the chance of chasing the movement
was influenced by a small feeling that existed
between doubt and confidence
where my smile ended and began
began with being honest that something came from nowhere
dreams did explain definitions
and notions that love did exist
in the friendship of yes and no
somewhere in between
over my head and under my feet
was a definition that conveyed
how thoughts transcended to feelings

growing up less

sleep deep

some day

realizing what sleep is

overshadowed by this moment

of truth revealed

to a greater man than i

deserving nonetheless

worried that replacing

currently held beliefs

may in some way be harmful

to inevitable growth

defined by starting over

starting now

deciding that expansion

disguised in solitary moments

portrayed the discipline

necessary

to become the lesser man

comfortable so

exhausted by the pursuit to

define experience

overlooking the possibility

that the true meaning had

interestingly enough

been conveyed in someday's sleep

truly revealed to the man

open to the possibility that

the inevitability of growth defined growth

need a watch, i don't

it became a love song for no one

or someone in particular

i wore a watch

a time piece tracking another second

closer to where i had to be

asleep by this time

awake by this

it was taken from me

she (the love interest) took it

told me i could have it back

when i learned how to tell time

when to be where when

asleep by when

awake by when

everyone had a watch

clocks on every wall watching me

and i forgot i once owned one

i saw here was now

asleep in her arms was the

time to fall asleep

awake when i held her and

smiled to greet that time

it was about how the day might

start while i live in it

and end whenever it felt the need to

what else did she do

she stole my heart and soul

and told me i could have it

back when i learned how

to love

original

unfortunately

influence has been masked by

television commercials

and the dream of romance

through the interpretation

of what someone else has said and done

may i borrow that

because making it my own

may allow me to be the image

of something perfect

or at least look like it

because thinking on my own

is not original

in a time of imitation

when believing everything someone

else says and does

is the best way for it

i tend to forget that

borrowed ideas are not ideal

ideally not original and my

lack of thinking

and the belief in another's

interpretation has clouded

the way i should have thought

i should have acted and spoke

in a way that was influenced

by none other than me

i do borrow ideas hoping to

push away the mask i put on

long ago that hides the fact

that i am original

a person influenced by how i grew up

i think it's time to give a hug

drop the charade that being perfect

is ideal

ideally not original

and realize that my lack of thinking

has caused me to cloud the

irresponsibility that i carry

occupied space

forget that i'm short for a minute

forget the haircut the eye color

the way i'm dressed

and the expression on my face

take a minute

the sixty seconds that entails

forget the television set blaring

in the background the radio

the telephone ringing

where you have to be and

the distractions

you seem so caught up in

an earful of hearing

listening more so

currently occupies the space

you're supposed to be in

so take a minute

the sixty seconds that entails

and look see the person

don't frame box cut or

assume that the occupied

space is filled with what

you though you knew

since your knowledge

has failed you at some point

in the past

in that minute

the sixty seconds that entailed

did you forget who i was

in relation to the occupied space

listening to what makes me famous

magazines and books (words)

told me one thing many things

for that matter

and i kept right on questioning

testing which light

this switch turns on

what being in the dark was good for

quietly wondering what it would be

like to pose for a picture

that would one day be famous

hanging on the wall somewhere in the world

naturally

someone else already accomplished that

so i read another magazine

another book (words)

that gave me a little insight on the

psychology of human beings

men and women

everyone was a child at one point

and that meant being young

discovering where a square peg fit

and how to color

coloring

remember making up a design a picture

covering it with black

scratching the surface to rediscover a

new design a new picture

no one else did that

another magazine another book (words)

seemed to lend to the expansion

of growing

sounds the same and that's how it works

realizing when certain things happen

what defines day and night

sleeping and being awake

to read (see or hear) words

and listening

to what the story says

in a magazine a book (words)

this deserves a toast

this deserves a toast

do something
for once surpassing expectations
and crossing the boundary
that defines a right to a privilege
because (you should know)
it's a privilege
find something i like
even if you might not
and play on that
cross that line that defines
your comfort zone
you should definitely think
that having a breakdown
no a break through
would have painted a clearer picture
of what being boring means
ideally you should have thought
before you spoke
instead you defined what being
gay being a woman being of a
different race creed or color was like
one day and once again
you have defined what being typical means
and you have placed me in that category
unfortunately
i don't fit
my feet are too small
and i gave a hand to someone
that you thought lesser than i
the same person that i live in a world
as you do as well
and simple polaroid pictures
showed that that person had a face and a smile
just like someone i used to know
it was a privilege not a right
to hug that friend before
he she and i all passed away
(as have you)
because we were ignorant to what
was asked of us
you know what deserves a toast
the one person or people that sat
when you decided to stand

face of reality

influential to the understanding
of moving quickly
with one step at a time
slowing me down
i played another game of memory
with me
i wrote a song about learning
having to learn
living in the in between
and it was back to you
questioning the essence of simplicity simply
wondering
what it was like to feel like you
but still be me
wondering
is imitation flattering maybe someone else
before i open my eyes
i find
it's so quiet in the escape from reality
and that understanding takes me
back to reality
the curse seems to be deciphering
between right and wrong
good and bad
seeing the other side of things
and discovering how light
seems to effect affect touch
on a certain emotion
that evokes how i'm feeling
right now
tracing my fingers around the silhouette
of what used to be right there
still is
taking a picture (a black and white)
because i see in color
with both my eyes
you should try to see it
but this is about me
and how falling asleep to
the sounds of noisy streets
seems to be common when i think
about how the world works
and my place in it
(with or without you)
i'm tired and a cup of coffee sounds
decent

the night before

the night before

the clock moved upward

wondering what the first thing

i should say

would be

from my end

my mind listened to my heart

although it would always question

what was there

was that right

was it the way you spoke

maybe a moment or two

when you moved into the light

the shadows

and just for a split

yeah just for that moment

it felt right

it was the way you moved

and spoke

you reminded me

of that dream i had

last night

and just to hold your hand

i was nervous

right before i opened

my eyes

the sky turned a new shade

of blue that night

and i wonder if i'll

sleep tonight

me with my thoughts

it's nothing fatal

(or chronic even)

just a thought

it was me

dressed up

in a way that made me

more impressive on the eye

it was different

sitting at a small table in the back

soft music

(maybe in my head

but it was still there)

anyway

the conversation just flowed

as it always did

i never had to question that

for once i listened

probing just a little

maybe to see a new view

something away from monotonous

(revealing in a way)

curled up on the couch

in my favorite sweatshirt

sitting in a way that conveyed

relaxation

sitting back watching my favorite movie

feeling perfect

(somewhat in love)

i guess i had always anticipated

it to be different

instead this was it

i feel different

someone called me gay

and i laughed

how would they know

a stereotype because

i dress well

how i speak

just sensitivity

i feel

i'm the one who feels

questioning why

in simple minded ways

you would call me gay

why fitting into your

stereotypical role

defines the right way

stop

someone called me a man

and i laughed

if that meant being

of the stereotype

i'd rather not be defined

that way

define me as a person

different from you

red eyes moving

red eyes

crying

from a lack of sleep

a true story of pursuing dreams

walking the streets

paved often times

off the beaten path

it was fear that bound

reality is not what is always spoken

red eyes

whispering what might have been said

certain feeling might

have told the truth

the lights changed

from green to red

the existence just a hint

that something might be beyond

vision

red eyes

closed in a moment of sleep

just one moment

as brief as it was

the escape from reality

from the street

it was strange to move to the walkway

just to capture one breath

something different

i had a dream of painting
taking tours of other places
and dancing from one end of the earth to the other
so i did
i packed and left
one pencil
my imagination and me
on cold nights i wore a
sweatshirt
college letters on the front
representing dreams
so i went there
a pen
a notebook and an empty mind
i had the luxury of touring
museums
reading famous words
and listening to history
i wanted one meal
so i went
wearing a tie
a fork
a glass of wine and crème brûlée
i moved
for a chance to see 
something different

a man

certain times i tremble
question the world and
its worth
my worth
being young
that's worth
sometimes i laugh i cry
i fight
just to say i'm a man
but being young
who is that
what does that mean
to me
to you the world
i take a step
a risk or not
it's a path a life
my life
how is that defined
growing to a man
i'm a man
me
who is that
at times i speak
i whisper i shout
i'm silent because i'm young
being a man

the intigue of ambiguity... an intro....

i've come to learn not to take everything at face value.  and the same holds true here.  simply speaking, this is just a small extension of me -- from my education, to my time alone; from my travels, to the people i've met and known; from my place in this world, to being lost in trying to figure that all out.

sometimes my imagination gets the best of me.  sometimes i need to play psychologist to myself.  sometimes i need to say something to a friend.  and still other times i see something that just makes me pause for a moment.  it's all captured here in some way or another, and it's up to you to find what you will out of it.  it's never been about the beginning or the end or trying to put it all into some definition that makes it sound nice and have a meaning.  it's truly about the ambiguity that life provides us.